Grief and Gratitude
I’m in the library. Whatever I’m about to write today was voice-journaled yesterday. After a long ugly cry as I didn’t want to write I voice-journaled. I’m scrolling through Instagram and CJ Gicheru’s stories… he just shared a screenshot of an article he is reading. The article praises being useless and states that by letting yourself be useless. My ugly crying was triggered by my uselessness. I mean, if you have a birthday this month, I only have prayers for you. I haven’t paid my rent and month; I’m not helping my mum with any food bills. Also, I’m deep in grief. Which means I may not be loving my friends as much as they would need me to. Guys, I only have memes and stickers. The article encourages us to embrace the uselessness, as those moments build us. at the end of my long ugly crying, I decided I would let writing kill me. I would throw myself at it and dive I ended up not making it, that would hurt but I would be okay.
I’m really angry that no one taught us to be truly grateful. We grew up comparing ourselves. Perform gratitude. Be grateful you went to school because someone else didn’t go to school. instead, we should have been taught to be grateful we went to a school with resources or a school with enough girls to talk to. Gratitude was forced on us. you wanted chicken and rice for dinner but you have ugali sukumawiki be grateful because you are getting the nutrients not because you’re better than someone else. Why are we comparing our struggles, in the name of gratitude?
Every time I complain, someone hits me with… be grateful someone else has it worse. Babes, knowing someone else is below me doesn’t make me rejoice. It makes me sadder to know someone is suffering. I have things to be grateful for. But at the same time, grief lives in me. There are things I should have cried about that I didn’t and now I have to. The job I didn’t get but didn’t take time to grieve that loss. The friendships I lost. The houses I never got to live in. the books I never got to read. Unfortunately, I held all this sadness in me. I thought that was life. you gain some you lose some. Only, no one told me it’s okay to feel sad when you lose something. It’s okay to feel shitty. If I had taken time to feel 23 years’ worth of sadness, I don’t think I’d be as sad as I am.
It’s not that I’m ungrateful, I need something that I don’t have. Which makes me feel super ungrateful. Grief and gratitude exist in me. I am not grateful at the moment, I’m angry, and I’m doubting my existence. I know I’m not useless but I do feel useless at the moment. I am progressing in life but I have no hope. I was a very optimistic person. I was happy and believed things would be okay. But now, I feel like a shell. A void. It’s just sadness. The only thing I am looking forward to is recreating myself. In my terms. I get to build myself. I don’t know when the sadness will leave. I was a really happy person and now I’m sad and really angry.
God show me how good it can get.
to be edited