I know what you are thinking, who am I to tell you how to have sex? Also, what do I know? Well, I’m a firstborn daughter i.e., self-taught. People tell me things or inquire and I write about them – with consent. Everything I know I learned from people, books, and articles.
First, let’s explore why you might not be enjoying sex. Ailments such as diabetes, cancer, heart disease, arthritis, depression, and anxiety may limit your sex life. Please do see a licensed therapist.
Tip number one: unshackle yourself
I grew up thinking sex was only meant for reproduction. Women were not meant to enjoy sex. We were humiliated, bullied, and harassed for seeming sexual. Quoting Dr. Waling, shame around sexual desires does impact your sex drive. Exploring your sexual needs requires you to unlearn the shame and stigma surrounding your sexual orientation and sexual practices. In a few words, my love, unlearn slut- shaming and homophobia. Here are a few journaling prompts to explore this, and do check in next week for more prompts.
- write down what sexual beliefs you have and their origin.
- what beliefs do you hold and what makes them true
- cancel and unlearn the statements you believe are not true
- Research the origin of the beliefs you hold.
- create true beliefs around sex and affirmations you might need.
Tip number two: is it all in your mind?
The thoughts: are you good enough? Is your body hot enough? Are you doing it right? My love just breathe. In season one episode one of Charmed Maggie, sister of emotion, discovered she can read minds. She tries making out with her ex-boyfriend. She tries to have sex but keeps hearing the boyfriend’s thoughts. He thought of everything gross to avoid nutting fast. Imagine if someone could read your thoughts, would they enjoy having sex with you?
The benefits of having mindful sex include:
- enhancing your pleasure
- strengthening your relationship with your partner developing a deeper connection with yourself enhancing your relationship with your body and spirit
- Stop overthinking and start listening to your body to increase your chances of having an orgasm or stronger orgasms.
- making sex more sacred or spiritual (if that is your desire)
Here’s how to practice mindfulness:
- Breathe
My mindfulness journey started with paying attention to my breathing to help manage anxiety. What you need is to monitor your breathing and ground yourself. Try matching your breathing to that of your partner.
- All your five senses on the table
How does it feel, taste, sound, do you like what you see? Try lighting a candle or scented sheets, and pay attention to your partner’s scent, taste, and sound. Make eye contact, touch, and trace your partner’s body.
- Take your time… allow yourself to get in the mood. There’s an episode on Over 25 Channel, where they were discussing how as grown adults and some working mums, they need to schedule sex. This could give you and your partner time to prepare and set the mood. Take your time with the foreplay. While at it, enjoy the moment and stop worrying whether you’ll arrive or not. Flow with it.
- Thoughts will come, release them. I learned to control my thoughts by meditating. Observing your thoughts and letting them float away will greatly. Don’t be so caught up in your thoughts that you miss a moment.
Tip number three: see a professional
You may not need therapy but walking barefoot or healing your sacral chakra might come in handy. Recognizing what area of your life requires help and seeking help could also help. Sometimes finances woo, anger, or a cold. Whatever might be holding you back, work on that. Si you know stress might block your nut? i.e. #rejectfinancebill2024
Tip number four: be choosy!
I said tips to enjoy sex, not a nut! If you are looking for a quick fix skip this. My love, accept only people you are sexually attracted to. Have sex with people who like you, who like the way you talk, the way your stomach folds. Someone you’d be comfortable enough to be yourself around. Someone who appreciates your beauty.
Tip number five: communication
Communication is the key to Cloud Nine. Tell your partner how you want it. Do you need more foreplay or better aftercare? Let your partner know. Is dirty talking your thing? Let your partner know. Do you see a new style you want to try? Let your partner know. It’s quite important to activate and keep your throat chakra active so, speak up or swallow!
References
- TMI podcast
- BDE moves Instagram (queer-friendly)
- Afro-sexology
- Sex with Ashley