To the two people, I didn’t get to love fully and wholly
You met me in my darkest of days. Days I didn’t think, or believe, people like me deserved love. I guess this is a list of all the things I should have said.
I know for sure I do love you. I know I do, did, have a crush on you. I did enjoy every minute together. I can’t help but feel like I missed out like I messed up. I’m glad to see you happy, it hurts that I don’t get to share the love.
I didn’t take a chance on us because I didn’t feel or believe I brought anything to the table. Your heart was full, ready to love. mine clouded with anxiety and self-doubt. I didn’t think love was sometimes all one has to give.
Lol, I don’t know what to say… I’m forcing myself to write this at least my grief will reduce. Playing on my head phones is Mbayuwayu by Marlaw.
Nimekaa na mrembo nampanga vile nitamuoa
Kwani nimempenda siku nyingi ila nikashindwa kumwambia
Ungeniuliza bwana kwani mimi nimeongea nini
Ungeongeza umakini huyu mtoto asingenikimbia
When Marlaw says Kwani nimempenda siku nyingi ila nikashindwa kumwambia / Ungeongeza umakini huyu mtoto asingenikimbia I feel it.
I know I’d be a shitty person if I reached out confessing my love. So, I will write this. My heart feels like a part is missing. Feels like a heavy stone is on my chest and I can’t breathe. I’m finding it hard to breathe and stand straight. I find myself crying as I do the dishes, as I eat and sometimes when I see things that remind me of you. I heard your voice the other day, my heart sank and my chest congested. My shoulders crave in from all the crying I’ve done and yet it won’t go away.
Someone says we grieve because we loved, I can’t help but think mine is grief from not having loved you. Grief from love I didn’t express. It’s love that I never got to express and sadness.
No, I didn’t know I loved you yesterday when I saw the two of you celebrate Valentine. I knew I loved you when I didn’t mind you inconveniencing me. When I nicknamed you and your car. When we had a song, our song. When we shared food. I knew I loved you when all I wanted was to spend time with you and the mosquitos. I knew I loved you when you first smiled, the giggles. The way you walk. Your fat fingers, I still remember the sauce on them. Brief but kind hugs. Beautiful lovely eyes. we should have met when I had love to give.
Maybe this is a lesson on learning to fall in love fast. To stop waiting for the friends to lovers. To grab opportunities by the neck and to fall recklessly in love. I should have loved you, I should have let you know I loved you. I should have let you know that in the middle of my chaotic life, you brought me joy. You my love were the light at the end of my tunnel.
I now feel deserving of love- your love- but you are miles away and happy in her arms.
I regret not taking a chance, but I’m proud I didn’t drag you into what was once my mess. Goodbye. If I see you, can I kiss your tender lips?
#borrowed from my journal