Hi, hello? how are you? Missed me? Now, now. Where were we? You know if you missed me, you should have checked in. You should have said hi… like your ex would say ‘si unaona nimimi nimekutext wakwaza’ (I have reached out first) I made a friend or two who don’t understand Swahili so… remind me to use this universal language.
Now. Dear one I’ve been away. The last time I was consistent I was reading and applying The Mountain is you. In a quest to own my life and do better. I asked Myself several hard questions. Asked me out with the last chumz- chumz is money- I had. Some nice pork, a cold Krest and some tissues for the tears.
As I write this, I’m in a place where I eat and sleep for free! Yes, I’m home, not finally being that stay-at-home partner to a lovely partner. I’m home.
I changed my phone’s font. This one looks cute. Makes it easier to write this.
One year later, I’m back home. This time with a degree that people keep inquiring about. As this is the longest I’ve been here everyone assumes my graduation is this year. No, I graduated last year on 28th April 2023. I had a very intimate ceremony and thus people assume I’m graduating this year. This month has been very triggering. I turn a year older and 4 days later I get to celebrate having graduated with a paper I’m yet to use. Yikes!
Anyway, I’ve been reading… and guys people can write! to ensure I read more I’ve set a goal to read at least three and poems articles per day. So far, I’ve discovered I ain’t shit and people can write… People are talented! Yoh! The intros, how captivating the words are, the flow. Yesu!
On not being the shit!
I know I could do better. And I am doing better. Probably should not have claimed to do better while breaking grammatical rules.
You see, growing up – at least in the earliest memories of reading- authors followed the rules. I think Daily Nation had 2 sheng or ‘not formal English’ columns. It’s deeply ingrained in me that I need to lose my voice and write like what I read. I’m working on it. My anchor has been Tram 83 by Fiston Mujila and Joe Black from Bikozulu’s site. As we discussed what books we loved and disliked that semester most of my classmates voted against Tram 83. I on the other hand enjoyed the book thoroughly.
Seeing someone do something in a rather unorthodox way affirms a part of me. There’s a me that’s happy to see someone write their soul.
I guess I could believe in my voice by reading Some of my previous work. Or some affirmations every morning… I could also read writers who write like me. I know that getting my Work published would give me the boost I need. But even then, I need to ‘fix’ this not-good-enough thought. I could also read more and give my Work ‘more depth’ hihihi!
On feeling like I failed. haha! I haven’t dealt with It. I’m you know, avoiding the tears. In my defence, I do not have the privacy to cry. Anyone around Nanyuki who wants to take shots and then hold me as I cry? Then maybe cuddle?
I didn’t know what direction my life would take in 2022. Early 2023 I saw the light. I knew exactly what I wanted to do and how I wished to do it. 6 months later that dream has been held together by Gitau who would be very disappointed to find out I haven’t been doing the things I said I’d do, Anne- who I think reminds me of campus me. I’m not as brave as she is. Sometimes I write to give love to younger versions of me. Sometimes I write for Anne a girl whose comments, and belief in my art have kept me going. Kaphira who’s support and who shared this article by Binyavanga. The friends I’ve not mentioned have kept me sane by having me in their homes, reposting and sharing my work, sending reels and stickers, and helping me apply to all the jobs that I’ve applied to in the last 4 months. I do not take any of you for granted. To the writers and editors whose feedback crashed me then opened my eyes… thank you.
Wairimu told me to stop beating myself up but, honestly, I can’t help but feel like I’m losing my friends. Every weekend there’s a nice event happening. I can’t be there with my friends and it breaks my heart. It also breaks my heart that I cannot attend as many events as I’d like around Nanyuki. In many ways, I do feel like I failed.
I kept going in January because Mwema shared 3 books with me. I read the first 2 The Dance of the Monkeys and The Gilded Ones. I’m yet to read the 3rd one because then, I won’t have something to look forward to.
February, I kept going because I visited my friend.
March, I kept going because Mutcy kept sending me job applications.
Towards The end of March, I might have found my light back. I have written an interview and two articles. I have pitched them. For a long time, I believed in ‘keep quiet until you achieve the Goal’. The universe, or myself has continued to shock me. I’ve found out that my career thrives when I openly speak about my goals and dreams. So kuna articles na interview nilipitch… I don’t feel confident enough and it would Mean The world to me if the articles were published.
Goodnight, I have an early morning. I lied because the food wasn’t free, I will be helping my mom. The duties are bound to change depending on the day. I promise I will publish one article per week. Hatakama ni tupicha twangu.
Love and light! Avoid Nairobi flies… and if you can’t avoid them, please ensure they don’t find the area behind your knee. I can barely move my leg… I’m in pain send Samosas from Ibis Nanyuki.
April 8th 2024
10:30 pm
2 Comments
🤗🤗🤗🤗
Thank you…